Choose not to be insulted

2012 was by all metrics an amazing year for our nonprofit.  We had increased membership 250% in just nine months, achieved a 95% positive service rating from our members and had the most successful annual conference in recent history.  Cash flow was growing accolades were glowing and the New Year was on track to be another record breaker.   Then we got a copy of a message from one of our board members who described our writing skills and content management as “unsophisticated” and overall web design as “looks like crap”.    Considering the fact that this board member micromanaged each of these processes I was more than a little tweaked.  Instead of “letting it slide” I addressed the full board and melee ensued.  It is a month long story but apparently employees are not supposed to object to being demeaned and we were ultimately told that if we didn’t accept Chik-fil-A wages they would go out to bid for a new provider.    Not exactly the response we were looking for.  Where was the parade, ticker-tape confetti and endless cheers?  If anyone had more than doubled our personal business in less than a year we would have been elated.  Instead we felt as deflated as New Years balloons on Easter.   The message here is not about the experience but the lesson contained inside.

Despite my many years of teaching skills for emotional intelligence I still have some very highly sensitive trigger points.  On the top of the list of which is being bullied.  Maybe it is from being a puny kid but I dislike being pushed around.  The cheerleaders in my ninth grade wrestling picture had broader shoulders.    (That’s me on the right..Yikes)

It could be because my testosterone levels are off the chart but I needed to make a commitment to not letting anyone or anything make me angry.  That is not to say I still won’t occasionally have that physical blast when something happens but I can choose to change the story.    Instead of being angry about moments like these I can choose to be sympathetic about the lack of understanding that generated them.

If anger occasionally grabs you by the short hairs step back and just observe yourself.  Don’t judge just notice.  Instead of resenting the feelings move into them without letting them control you.  Notice how your heart races and breathing becomes more rapid.  You may be able to even see how your field of vision narrows.  These are all survival mechanisms designed to help you fight or run.  They are good things in a dangerous jungle but not necessarily helpful in a boardroom or during a holiday dinner table discussion.

Once you begin observing you realize that you can separate yourself  from your emotions.  You are not your feelings.  You are the one watching your feelings.  Now you can thank those feelings for jumping to your rescue but that you really don’t need their help right now and simply let them fade away.  Your body will chew them up and flush them away very quickly.  Now you have a clearer mind to examine your story.  Did something or someone not meet your expectations?  Were your expectations realistic?  Do you really NEED someone to behave differently or can you simply choose to react differently?    You may still want to influence someone else or change the relationship but now you can do it from a position of strength and balance instead of one of anger and fear.

If the moment is past and can’t be changed let it go and look for the lesson.  What did you learn about yourself?   Everything happens to teach us something about ourselves.  We are the only people we can change and the good news is that we are the only people we need to change to be happier people.

I made a commitment to not choosing anger despite the provocation.  I hope you will choose to let this holidays little irritations just slide off your back and have the happiest holiday season ever.