Expectations Shape Realizations

I woke up early this morning thinking about a comment made after an all-day program yesterday.  She said, “He knows how I am“.

When I think about how I responded to events in my life even just a few years ago, I realize the things I used to believe about myself were not true.  It also follows logically then that what I believe about myself right now is not true as well.  You could say these things were because of learning and experience, but I think the most valuable lessons have been un-learning.

I remember times in my life where I became attached to an identity often because of feedback from someone “significant” in my life.  Some of these stories I began to tell myself and eventually believe about myself were useful, and helped me to be a better me.  Unfortunately the things that tend to create the greatest “emotional impression” in our lives are not positive, but negative.  Moments of joy, peace, confidence and enthusiasm are transient, but moments of retribution from someone important, unfairness, criticism, embarrassment, anger and fear lodge themselves in our subconscious, often replayed over and over again when we feel threatened or vulnerable.  It is a natural part of our ancient physiology that is designed to identify, remember, and recall events, people or conditions that pose a threat to our physical or psychological selves.

I still remember vividly being in the library of Angle Lake Elementary in fourth grade trying out for choir.  The song was Roll On Columbia, which I sang, in world-record time.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a speed-singing contest.  I wasn’t selected for choir then, nor did I ever try out again.  In fact as I write this, that single moment may have imprinted a sense of “stage fright” that accompanied me most of my life.  Mrs. Pearson was not trying to, or was she in any position to, judge my lifelong acoustic competency; but I was just a kid.  Once I began to believe in this apparent “genetic vocal disorder” I began to look for evidence to validate my critical flaw – and the cycle began.  What I expected I found, and what I found continued.

We don’t always get what we want, but we do generally get what we expect.