Those Awkward Emotions

We are settling in with my Mom and Dad who will be with us for the next four months while their house is being built.    It is surprising the childhood triggers that surface in close proximity.  As usual there are always great lessons.  The most significant this morning is how difficult it is to embrace honesty in a culture (family) steeped in history.  We are experiencing this in both our new family arrangement and increasingly as we count down the days to the annual conference for our association.   In both cases the issues that arise could easily be resolved if it were not for those awkward emotions.

Strong emotions cloud thinking, distort decisions and reduce our ability to think and reason rationally.  They are also the only things that give meaning to our existence.  If only the “emotional region” of our brain is destroyed leaving the rest intact we still “know” the facts but without feeling we have no context for the value.   Without context, content is meaningless.

Emotions by their very design can be highly unpredictable, unbelievably inaccurate and are impossible to turn off.  Emotions are also the very core of our physical and social survival systems.  There are NO purely objective communications.  Every communication, every look, each tone, all our thoughts, emails or texts carries an emotional message either positive or negative, encouraging or discouraging.  There are no exceptions.

Earlier this week we received a message from a board member stating “XYZ is our decision, we are not interested in your opinion.”  Do you think this person  has any idea how de-energizing that single message was?  Since he communicates this way on a regular basis we have found the only way not to be “tweaked” by his continual condescension is to believe he suffers from some form of emotional disability.  Whether it is true or not is irrelevant.  The way we choose to interpret this behavior is “help-full” because it encourages the Cognitive Restructuring of our experience.

We cannot and don’t need to change anyone else to improve the quality of our experience.  The only person we can change or ever need to change is ourselves.  Cognitive Restructuring is a component of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) originated as Rational Emotive Therapy by Albert Ellis, Ph.D.

“Cognitive restructuring is a set of techniques for becoming more aware of our thoughts and for modifying them when they are distorted or are not useful. This approach does not involve distorting reality in a positive direction or attempting to believe the unbelievable.  Rather, it uses reason and evidence to replace distorted thought patterns with more accurate, believable, and functional ones.[i] 

We may feel or express our feelings to varying extents but the only term I found that attempts to express the absolute absence of emotion is “comatose” and I think many would argue with that definition as well.

Since emotions are absolutely unavoidable, strikingly subjective and can be deeply disorienting the only solution is to create a system that fosters energizing emotions.  Feelings are far too important to be left to personalities.  We must design processes that require objectivity, and embrace honesty.

IDEAS IN ACTION

1. Use a more objective outsider without attachment to history or hierarchy to help your team start new.

2. Make sufficient time understand the dysfunctional nature of the typical “group think” process.

3. Establish a concrete commitment to absolute honesty and a process for holding each other accountable for telling the truth.

4. Use a system like Cubic Thinking to redefine the creative thinking process ensuring all sides of all issues are given appropriate attention.

5. Define the challenges to be addressed well in advance of meetings.

6. Require participants to each prepare a single paragraph position on each topic before the meeting begins.

7. Engage all stakeholders through a process of transparent collaboration before and after meetings like those described in Peer Powered Performance.