Create a NO JUDGMENT ZONE

We love to judge.  We appreciate being told we are a “good judge of character” or that we use “good judgment” and yet the idea of “being judged” is accompanied by a stench most foul.  As I think about why we harbor such resentment, it seems that judging another implies an intentional desire to distort.  It is interesting that a character trait we give such credence to when we are on the giving end is so absolutely disdainful when we are on the receiving side.  This dichotomy is evident in management as well.  We like to be seen as good managers, but few of us appreciate being managed.  If something is to be good for the goose, shouldn’t it also be good for the gander?

Certainly there are times when judgment is invaluable.  I want the pilot on my next flight to be a good judge of distance and the chef for my next meal to judge the perfect amount of tarragon to flavor my favorite soup.  But like many things when done in moderation our need to judge everything and everyone has run amok.  We judge a person’s character on their clothes, their values on their geography, their politics on their choice of car, and their intelligence on a five second interaction on the freeway.

Judgment seldom means “To form an opinion or estimation of after careful consideration”. In practice it most often means that we take a tiny fraction of our experience, match it with a model in our brains and leap to the conclusion that makes us most right.  Just so we don’t get off on the wrong track, when I say “most often” I am thinking of the majority of the 20,000 individual moments, according to Nobel prize winner Daniel Khaneman, that we experience every day.  From the moment we open our eyes in the morning until we close them at night, (and many would say during our sleep) we are feeding our need for predictability.  Our NEED to be right is addictive, but according to Jonah Lehrer in How We Decide only half as addictive (habit forming) as our NEED not to be wrong.

Unfortunately these unconscious habits also make us the most unhappy.  We have the mistaken belief that life is a zero sum game and the easiest way to be right is to make others wrong.  This topic alone could fill and has filled many books, but based on the continued predilection to judgment in our society we have not yet absorbed the message.  I will add one simple, yet incontrovertible reason to eliminate judgment from your life.  Every judgment we place on another we also place on ourselves. I am not talking about some religious doctrine or karmic balancing act, but simply of the physiology you create for yourself in yourself.

When we judge anyone or anything we create an electronic image inside ourselves of that person, event or experience, along with the emotion we associate with that image.  This manufactured image is just as real as we are and we have all “chemically re-lived” a past trauma just by remembering it.   All I have to do is think about singing Roll on Columbia at mach ten, in front of my teacher Mrs. Pierson, and my entire 4^th grade class, to viscerally re-experience the embarrassment that has precluded me from singing in public for the last forty years.  We are all just bundles of energy.  Our physical bodies are simply an optical illusion created by our vibrational frequency.  When we judge we imagine; when we imagine we visualize; when we visualize we create.  If we picture blame we experience blame.

Here is another important part.  It does not matter if you are right. You may have every reason in the world to blame, criticize, or condemn another (or yourself) but when you do, and every time you do, you will physically “pay the price”.  As soon as you worry about some imaginary insult, it has happened as far as your body is concerned.  Fearful thoughts create fearful clotting factors.  Instead of protecting you from bleeding to death in an ancient sword fight they get stuck in those tight little spots (caused by some previous premonition) in your heart, brain or lungs, and if you’re lucky send you to the hospital.

If this is not enough to assuage your need for antagonism, consider this.  The images you create are electronic fields, fields have a magnetic effect, and magnets attract.  Are you picturing the things, people, experiences, abilities you would like to attract into your life?  You may not believe in this law of attraction and I am sure there are scientists somewhere that could plug us into some kind of futuristic voltmeter and explain this in a way I would never understand.  For me it is more effective to begin with the realization that I don’t thoroughly understand anything.  Instead of trying to categorize things into right and wrong, true or false, fair or not fair, I find it more practical to remember the lessons I learned from the wife of The Last Lecture author Randy Pausch.  When asked how she managed to keep moving forward knowing she would soon be raising three small children alone, she shared a phrase that helped keep her from being sucked into a void of despair.  When she would notice her stories gravitating toward anger, resentment or hopelessness she would stop and tell herself “not helpful”.

Losing a spouse, child, friend, pet, parent, job, retirement can engender overwhelmingly painful feelings.  I am not encouraging anyone to avoid, discount or suppress any of them.  What I am encouraging is that we become aware when our stories are “not helpful”.  This is not another layer of judging, where we judge ourselves for judging, but simply a way of becoming conscious about the choices we make.  Our problem is not that we judge, it is that we have forgotten the “care-full consideration” part of the definition.  Care for yourself by becoming more aware of the choices you make.  Do your choices bring you peace or pain?  Judging others may bring you a “dopamine zing” (more about dopamine later) of self satisfaction, but when the chemical jolt wears off, are you happy with your choice?

Ideas in Action

1.      Notice when you judge.  Start with small things and just become aware of the story you are telling yourself.

2.      Question your assumptions. Is it reasonable to question the marriage status of someone’s parents during their conception by their behavior in traffic?

3.      Choose not to know.  Instead of assuming, ask questions.  Become wonder-full.

4.      Tell yourself a different story.  Realize you are not experiencing reality, but the story you have told yourself about it.

5.      Don’t join in others stories of distress.  It may be easy and even popular to join in the blame game but before you know it you’re part of the story.

6.      Lift others (and yourself) by noticing something special about them.  Take your time to tell them how you appreciate them.

7.      Become aware of your language.  Words and phrases like should, have to, can’t all reflect some level of judgment.